You just want to sleep
You’re staring at the ceiling. It’s been what, 3 hours now since you’ve gone to bed? You’re still awake. You roll around some more. You’re too hot. You’re too cold. You have to get up in 4 hours. You just want to sleep.
You start to think of everything and nothing. Random scenario’s pop in your head. Things that were, things that are, things that may be, things that will never be. Memories that make you happy, sad, angry. You think of people you love, people you’ve loved. You think about how you’ve changed. You think of small things, like a book that makes you happy. You think of big things, like the universe and how you’ll never really get understand it. You try to understand it anyway.
You think of death.
Your heart starts to speed up. You start to sweat. You start to panic. You try not to cry. You try to escape this thought. You just want to sleep. You don’t want to think about this. You hate how it just had to pop up. You hate how it catches you by surprise. You’ve thought about this before. You’ll inevitably think about this again. You just want to sleep.
One day the people you love will die.
You just want to sleep.
One day you will die.
You can’t sleep
You tell yourself it’s ok. Once you die you wont know it anyway right? You could not wake up tomorrow morning and you’d never know.
That’s true. But right now you are alive. Right now you do know and right now your desire to live is so strong that you refuse to accept you will die one day. There’s so many things, so many people that you love. You don’t want to lose them. You have many plans and dreams. So many things you want to experience. So many things you will never experience.
You just want to sleep.
You tell yourself that In the end, you’ll come to terms with it. It’s ok if you haven’t right now. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to feel this way. You’re still young. You still have a lot to learn.
You tell yourself you will live your life to the fullest. You will love and remember those who die before you. You hope you will grow old. You’ll be that cool grandparent. You hope you’ll be surrounded by the people you love once your time has come. You’ll be grateful for the chances you were given. You’ll accept death once it comes. But right now, you’ll live.
You start to relax and smile. You’re glad you had this talk with yourself.
You fall asleep.